Cereal Killers

The Ultimate Sugar Cereal

Last week I was at the grocery store, minding my own business in the cereal aisle when I saw Cookie Crisp.  Talk about marketing sugar to kids. Honestly, who could blame kids, college students, me or any human with functioning taste buds for wanting “Cookie Crisp” over “Grape Nuts?”

Imagine asking an 8-year old this:  “Ok, you can either have Chocolate Chip Cookies or these flavorless, mind-numbing, puffed up, warty-looking balls made out of school bus-colored corn meal.”  It’s amazing that 8-year-olds have not organized a cereal union to collectively bargain with parents to demand only “Cookie Crisp” for every future breakfast. 

Cereal KillersWho the heck came up with Cookie Crisp?  Was it some cynical cereal executive who had a long liquid lunch who was languishing at some cereal boardroom meeting, enduring a drawn out pitch on how to trick kids into eating some stupid bran-laden cereal clone of a clone of a clone of wheat chex?  Did this cereal exec crack and scream, “Cookies! Let’s make cereal cookies and be done with it!  You don’t have to market cookies to kids, they already love cookies!”  Was the boardroom silent?  Did a rival executive smirk and say, “Geez Ted, that’s crazy.”  And did the old cereal tycoon at the head of the table say, “Crazy like a fox!  I love it.”   That’s how I imagine it anyway.  It turns out that a Ralston Purina (yes, dog food people) came up with it.  You can tell that making a cookie cereal required no marketing effort at all by the half-baked, sort of generic and utterly forgettable Cookie Crisp mascots.  It’s not like the fully formed Trix Rabbit or Legendary Leprechaun.  

Why Stop At Cookies? 

But I had to ask myself, with such a barn burner of a sugar cereal that Cookie Crisp is, why did they stop there?  What if they took all the desserts and sugar fun and made cereals out of them.  Here is a list of some cereals we should see.

  • Cheer-Oreo’s
  • Candy Corn Flakes
  • Little Debbie Crunch
  • Maple Bar Crispies
  • Churro Jacks (my partner Nino lit up when I told him about this cereal, he said, “That’s Mexican Honey Combs.  Yeah dude, all you need to do is chop up old churros and double bake ‘em.”)
  • Deep Fried Twinkie Bunches of Oats
  • Toblerone Bran
  • Cap’n Almond Roca Crunch
  • Honey Nut Rolo’s
  • Pazookie Crisp (Like Cookie Crisps, only bigger.)
  • Twix Chex
  • Snackwell Kashi
  • Cinnabon Toast Crunch
  • Cadbury Egg Pebbles
  • Special K Cup Cake Crunch
  • Peach Cobbler Wheaties
  • Claim Jumper 5000-layer Chocolate Cake Snaps
  • Krispy Kreme Crispies (Fry, crackle and Glaze?)
  • Mochi – Oh’s
  • Raisin Flan
  • Moon Pie Berry Crunch

Cali Cakes made a Dessert as Healthy as Breakfast

Dumping a boat load of sugar into breakfast is Cali Cakes for Breakfastone way to get people to eat it.  Cali Cakes approaches food differently.  Instead of making breakfast unhealthier, Cali Cakes made desserts better for you.

Our cakes are made with WHOLE BEANS, lots of protein, NO WHITE FLOUR, no sugar coma and no dairy.  Go ahead, eat cake for breakfast.

 

Do you have any hilarious cereal ideas?  We would love to hear them!

1 comment… add one

  • Aunt Jan May 8, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Hey-didn’t I say let’s eat calicake for breakfast a year ago? See you tomorrow so does that mean cake for breakfast Friday? Yum!

    Reply edit

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